“I've heard that it's possible to grow up - I've just never met anyone who's actually done it. Without parents to defy, we break the rules we make for ourselves. We throw tantrums when things don't go our way, we whisper secrets with our best friends in the dark, we look for comfort where we can find it, and we hope - against all logic, against all experience. Like children, we never give up hope...” ~ Meredith Grey - Grey's Anatomy
When I was a little girl the most pressing items of my day were what kind of sandwich to have for lunch, being allowed to watch a TV show, or what book to take out of the library. Recently a number of things have happened that have been sharp reminders that I am no longer that little girl. It doesn't matter what these things are. If you ask anyone who knows what I'm talking about, they would have a million different examples that could fit the bill. They're the things that bring us up short, make us catch our breath, and throw us completely for a loop. The things that make you view yourself in the mirror and say "When did I become the adult?"
When we're young, we spend so much time wishing to be older, to make all of our own decisions, be completely on our own. What we neglected to realize is that these decisions would be so much more difficult than baloney or PB & J; that being on your own sometimes means just that. You have to take the good with the bad of being an adult. We have to accept that there will be mistakes made, disappointments from others (and ourselves), illness, and even death. I'm 36 years old and I cannot change that. I can't reverse direction or time; none of us can. There is no way to prevent any of it from happening. The only way to prevent it is to stop living completely. So for now I will not wish the train to stop, only to slow down, for the scenery to go by slower, and for all passengers to stay on the journey with me.
"Stop This Train" - John Mayer
No I'm not color blind
I know the world is black and white
Try to keep an open mind but...
I just can't sleep on this tonight
Stop this train I want to get off and go home again
I can't take the speed it's moving in
I know I can't
But honestly won't someone stop this train
Don't know how else to say it, don't want to see my parents go
One generation's length away
From fighting life out on my own
Stop this train
I want to get off and go home again
I can't take the speed it's moving in
I know I can't but honestly won't someone stop this train
So scared of getting older
I'm only good at being young
So I play the numbers game to find a way to say that life has just begun
Had a talk with my old man
Said help me understand
He said turn 68, you'll renegotiate
Don't stop this train
Don't for a minute change the place you're in
Don't think I couldn't ever understand
I tried my hand
John, honestly we'll never stop this train
See once in a while when it's good
It'll feel like it should
And they're all still around
And you're still safe and sound
And you don't miss a thing
'til you cry when you're driving away in the dark.
Singing stop this train I want to get off and go home again
I can't take this speed it's moving in
I know I can't
Cause now I see I'll never stop this train
