Saturday, March 10, 2012

It's not about the towels.....


            I caught a marathon of the Kardashian's recently (sue me - It was a day when nothing was on and I needed to rest after my eye surgery.) It was an episode from the end of the season where newly married Kim and Kris decided to go out on a dinner date to reconnect. Call me crazy, but a couple newly married should not need to try and reconnect. I watched as they sat in strained silence, waiting for their food to come. I'm telling you, never has food delivery looked more like a death row reprieve. Later she commented during a monologue that they didn't seem to have much in common. Again....say what?? The kicker though, came when she had a mini breakdown at the thought of her new husband moving (gasp) all of his things into her house.
           I have to say that even though we all knew at that point how their story ended, it was still pretty shocking to see how ridiculously out of touch they both were with what a marriage truly meant; not a wedding mind you - a marriage. I remember the entertainment news coverage of every step of their courtship and warp speed wedding planning; everything from their initial dates to registering for gifts. If there was one thought that stood out in all of this (and this is a piece of advice for anyone getting married) -
                                              It's not about the towels!
         It's not about the towels, the sheets, wineglasses, or the china pattern, or any other wedding gift you'll receive. It's only about you and the other person, and the fact that you are committing the rest of your life to each other. It's making sure that you know as much as you can about that other person, and still wanting to say "I do."
         Let me say this loud and clear. If the idea of planning your wedding is more exciting than the idea of being're not ready to say "I do." If you're more excited about the idea of an open bar at your reception than in seeing your future wife waiting at the altar.....not ready. If you're more excited about wearing a pretty white dress, the honeymoon, picking out new towels, or anything other than being an everyday husband/wife..
         Towels fray, wine glasses break, wedding dresses yellow - marriage is not something you can trade in when the wear of years start to show. You need to make sure you're giving as much attention to your marriage as you are to planning the wedding. If your boyfriend isn't very nice to you when you're dating, a wedding won't change that. If your relationship consists of endless fights, an over the top wedding will not correct that.
         Now, I'm not saying that you need to date someone for years before you determine if they are the one. Hubby and I were married a year and one month after we met. What I am saying is know the person you're marrying and make sure they know you, (the real you, not the one who made sure you looked perfect for each of your first dates.) The you who has bad hair days, is cranky in the morning, has less than perfect credit, and sings along with the every song. Ask each other those questions that you both need to know the answers to before saying I do. Do you want kids? What kind of saver/spender/bill payer are you? Where do you see your life in 10 years? Really listen to their answers and then watch their behavior to see if it matches up. If he tells you that he likes quiet nights at home, but wants to go out every night, that says something. If that is who he is, then it's who he is. It's not a bad thing, but make sure it's your thing. Likewise, if quiet nights at home are what you crave, then don't pretend to love going out every night in the secret hope that he'll change once you're married. Tell him, this is who I am and this is what I'm looking for. If you are both in it for real then you will find a way to compromise now and then (dinner in tonight, dinner out with friends tomorrow). Hiding who you really are, or turning a blind eye to who they really are is not fair to either party.
          Give yourself and the person you love, the respect you both deserve. Give marriage the respect that it deserves. Remember.....marriage first, towels second. 

                                                ~ Adrienne


  1. I remember Dr. Phil saying once that people should spend less time and money on the wedding and put more into making a good marriage. I completely agree.

    On a side note though... I met my husband in Dec. and we were married in Oct... 43 years ago. We were crazy young but both of us knew we loved the other and we really worked at making it work.

  2. Well, look at you...going all Dr. Phil on us.
    Excellent advice...mature advice!

    I just think that if Kim and Kris had spent more time in a Vertical as opposed to a horizontal position for all of their relationship, perhaps they would have time to talk about the really important issues that you brought up!


  3. So well written Adrienne, with exactly the right message. Great post!

  4. @ Barbara - Something that struck me during one of the episodes was when Kim was admitting to someone that the entire wedding became so big that she was too scared to admit that she may have jumped into something too soon. What a sad and yet cautionary tale - if you're going through with a wedding because of the money, hype, pressure and not because you really love the person....just very sad. And congrats on 43 I said, nothing wrong with a quick engagement, as long as you both know who the other person is and that the idea of marriage is more exciting than the idea of a wedding. :)

  5. @ Opinions - Love that you and Barbara both mentioned Dr. Phil. From what I saw of the show, it seemed that Kim and Kris needed to actually talk to one another (nicely) for more than 10 minutes here and there and about more important things than who to invite to the wedding and what kind of food to serve. Mmmmm....maybe I should look being a marriage counselor...LOL

  6. @ Jotter - Thank you my the support as always :)

  7. When I looked at that episode, I was wondering whether I was watching a 6 yr old girl break up with the kid in the sandbox. She is so spoilt and immature - it baffles me. But she said it herself - she wanted the fairytale but she clearly forgot about THE LIFE.

  8. Amen :)
    Let that be a lesson as well...fairytales are make believe....marriage is real life