Do you have the Guts?

Instinct, premonitions, feelings, going with your gut - whatever you choose to call it, I believe it's typically right. It's taken me some time, but over the years I've gotten better about trusting mine. After a pretty big decision in my life, taking a road less traveled, showed me that sometimes your instinct can be spot on.

Every once in awhile though, for no particular reason, we second guess that instinct.We balk against it, tell ourselves that we know better than it does. We tell that voice in our head, heart, gut, (wherever you hear yours), to pipe down and take a backseat. Intuition is a funny thing though. If it knows that it's right, it'll do whatever it needs to get your attention, even using someone else if it has to.

If you've read any of my posts then you know that I'm a struggling, undercover, frustrated, writer. The story I began with was a small idea, which spread over time into something bigger. It was one big, sprawling story that kept getting more characters and more story. It was overwhelming and I wasn't sure where the true beginning was. In discussing it with my writing cohort one day, she said "it sounds like you could make a series of books out of that." 

Such a simple suggestion and yet it made perfect sense. So I laid out a rough outline for each of the books and for the last couple of months I've worked on the first one. It went well enough, but I've struggled with some things along the way. For instance, the main character is a young girl, but it's not a book for kids, which means I'm not sure exactly how to figure out the target audience. In addition, the genre isn't that clear cut. It's fiction, with supernatural and spiritual elements. Think Jodi Piccoult meets Alice Hoffman (okay, at least in my dreams).

So anyway....those were both issues I'd been struggling with, but the story was at least moving along. Each time I sat down to write, the words flowed quickly, faster sometimes than I could even keep up with. Then in the middle of all the writing a story idea popped into my head one day. Now I'm not one for giving away the whole story, but the idea was something to do with death and a second chance. Oh and throw in a chain smoking, hard drinking, guardian angel with a soft spot for stilettos. So I jotted down the idea in my idea notebook and put it aside for later, like after the three other books are written later. It's not the first time I've come up with a random story idea while writing something else and I think most writers would say it happens to them too and it's perfectly normal. 

So what wasn't normal about this? The fact that almost daily snippets of this story would come to me, while at the same time I seemed to stall out on the story I was writing. I could see the ending of the story, but somewhere in the middle things had started to meander. I was having a really hard time keeping the story together and would find myself staring at a blank page, or worse. I'd write two pages, before deciding it was all wrong and deleting it. All the while, the new story idea kept coming back to me. I had the complete opening scene of the book, character names, a turning point to the story and even a tentative ending. Each time, I would sigh, stop what I was doing and jot the idea down somewhere. Sometimes when this happened the voices in my head intuition would start to nag at me..... 

"Hey, why don't you write some of the actual story since it's coming to you so clearly?"

And I'd say to the .....intuition.....

"Hey, how about you keep quiet? I don't have the time right now. I have to finish the other book first. I'm just writing the ideas down so I won't forget them."

And intuition would say......

"Well you were really excited about this idea and I just thought maybe....well....you might like to try -"

I'd cut Intuition off with......

"Shut it will ya? Seriously there are rules to this writing thing you know? I need to finish one before I can move onto something else."

Then Intuition would shoot back in sarcastic voice....

"You ask me it seems like you haven't been doing much writing at all...."

(Can't print response to intuition.)

So I kept on struggling with my story, while choosing to ignore my gut. Then one day my writing cohort told me about a new story idea she was working on and out of no where I blurted out that I knew what my next story would be about. I rambled off the whole idea (not sure it made any sense) and I even shoved my notebook at her so she could read the hastily scribbled opening scene. I was more excited to share the story than even I knew! She liked it and even better she laughed at everything I was hoping she would laugh at. Then I explained how the story kept coming to me and I was really excited about it, but really needed to finish the other one first. She looked at me and said 

"Why don't you take a break and start on this one for awhile?" (Cue heavens parting and trumpets blaring.)

Writing cohort has written two full stories, gone through the whole query process, been offered representation, etc.....so I trust her knowledge of writing "rules." What I took from her simple statement was 

"TRUST YOUR INSTINCT."

So I started writing my new story that very night. I'm a couple of chapters in and still going strong. When I do write, I can barely keep up with the ideas. I'm also loving my characters and connecting with them in a way that I wasn't with the other story. Now, I'm not saying that I've given up on my first idea - not at all.I think what I need is more experience with writing, more practice, more confidence that I know what I'm doing, before taking on such a big project. I need to take a step back from the first one to see it with fresher eyes and I'm sure when the time is right the remainder of the story will come to me just when I need it.

If my instinct (voices) were telling me to write this other story, then I should listen to it. No question. So why then, when I had trusted my instinct so fully in the past, had I fought it every step of the way? Beats the heck out of me.What I can tell you is that my instinct didn't give up on trying to get through to me, even if it meant channeling itself through someone else. 

Is your instinct trying to tell you something? Is that message coming from someone Else's voice?

Stop and take a listen will ya?

Adrienne

Enjoying the ride.....

Driving in my car this weekend I heard Pearl Jam's "Alive." Immediately a memory developed, which happens a lot for me when it comes to music. I was a college freshman at a fraternity party and news of Kurt Cobain's passing had just been announced. A TV had been turned on and MTV was playing a live clip of Pearl Jam in concert. (For all you kids not familiar with this - MTV once played actual music.) They were playing "Alive" which they had dedicated to Cobain. The entire party went silent to watch the scene unfold. As I heard the song on the radio I remembered how popular that album had been and then it hit me....how old it was. 

And if it was old, well then I was....older. 

I've had more moments like this lately than I would care to admit; moments when I think of some movie, song, event, etc. I always seem to think that it was just a year or so ago, only to find out it was really like ten..........or even more.

Sunday night it hit me big time at a Bon Jovi concert. For those of you not familiar with them (really?), they were a very popular rock band in the 80's. Long hair, spandex, and hugely popular rock anthems; I loved everything about them. Well they were back. The spandex was gone, as was the long hair, but the ability to bring an arena to their feet was still there. Their lead singer Jon Bon Jovi is 50 years old (he'll be 51 next week.) My first time seeing them was in 1989, when I was 14........ and he was 27. Let that sink in for a moment will you? Hearing their songs, and being able to sing along to some that I haven't heard in years, well it made me feel like he was still 27 and I was still.....??

Scratch that - no I don't feel 14, but I also don't feel the age that I am. I remember during that show in '89 that he mentioned his age, having just turned 27 that week. His exact words I believe were "man I am so old." My response to his statement was, "wow, you really are old."

Oh what a naive child I was.....what did I know about age, or anything for that matter? Not a whole lot. Let me just say that I hope to have half his energy and enthusiasm for life when I am 50. He still had the stamina (no opening act and they played for almost 3 hours), not to mention the polish of a seasoned performer.

There was something else that I noticed during the show though. Over the years that I have seen him perform he has always been "on." The shows were always amazing and he was a true performer. There was never a moment where he would falter in his performance, or his stage presence. Don't get me wrong - there is nothing wrong with that. If anything it was amazing to watch all four times I've seen them. But Sunday night there was something just a little bit different. Being that seasoned performer seemed to have given him a little something else; an awareness that at some point age will finally catch up to him, and what he was experiencing at that moment would all go away. 

At one point the crowd took over the lead from him, belting the lyrics out, filling the arena. He stopped singing, taking a step back and taking it all in. The look on his face at that moment wasn't the normal smugness one might expect. Instead it was awe mixed with humbleness. I know what you're thinking; that he's a performer putting on a good show. That may be true, but honestly you have to be a pretty jaded person to not be overwhelmed from an entire arena singing your songs back to you.

In the end, after a number of encores, he still seemed reluctant to leave the stage and walk away. Instead he wandered, waving to different people and displaying a somewhat goofy grin. It appeared he was just absorbing the energy of the room. It seemed that he knew this could be the beginning of the their last tour and he wanted to take in as much of it as possible.I hope that I'm wrong in that. I hope he's still performing when he's 80 and that I'm there to watch it. But in the end we can't fight the passage of time. The most we can do is to take in as much of life as possible while we're here. Sometimes you need to step back and let yourself be amazed by it all. In the end be gracious and thankful for all that you've been given and just.........enjoy the ride.


                                                    Adrienne

The Reality of 2012......

Another year over......

I'd like to be positive and gushy and be able to tell you that it was full of wonderful experiences. I want to say that I achieved my goals of finishing my book, losing (and keeping lost) 20lbs, and finding a way to become independently wealthy. In addition to all of that I'd like to say I was able to perfectly balance all of my relationships (hubby, family, friends, etc.)

Get real......

The reality of things is that I can't be gushy and positive.....what I can be is real.

The truth is I did a lot of writing, but not enough and my "book" is far from being a book.

The truth is that I did lose some weight, but then life came knocking and my balance of exercise, eating right, sitting all day at my job, and sitting to write collided.....in a make a big mess kind of way. So while the weight did go down, I'm still not happy with where it has ended up.

The truth is that our attempt to be independently wealthy will probably never materialize (you have to buy a Mega Millions ticket to win), but at this point being able to pay my bills and have some money in the bank is all I can ask for.

The truth is that I saw/connected with some people more than others, some people not at all, and there were days I felt like the worst friend, daughter, sister, wife, etc. in the world....

Something I did "accomplish" this year that was never, ever a goal of mine (nor should it be for anyone else) was becoming close friends with so many health care professionals. (Don't take that the wrong way - I love health care professionals and all they do for us....I just didn't want them to have to do so much for....me.) The ongoing issue with my eye flared up again this month, requiring a couple of more visits to the doctor. We've moved into a "let's try this technique" and a "wait and see" situation. All of them require A LOT of drops and ointments and crossing our fingers.

The other health issue was an old back injury that reared its head in the fall and has lingered on like a house guest over staying its welcome. The chiropractor has become my new friend and sitting for long hours has become my new enemy.

Last, who could forget the coffee cup incident that resulted in a 2nd degree burn, a trip to the emergency room and a couple of weeks of follow up visits as well. Enough with the medical people already! (Really I do love all of you......)

I remember someone telling me once that after they passed 35 the number of health issues they faced seemed to pick up speed, like a ball rolling down a hill. I'm beginning to see what they mean....in the fact that some days I feel as though someone rolled me down a hill. I'm someone who has been very lucky to have had relatively good health most of my life. No broken bones, major surgeries, or illnesses (knock on wood), so I have to admit this year has thrown me for a loop. The hardest part has been the fact that both the back and eye issues have affected writing so much. When my eye is bothering me any extra strain is too much. When my back is bothering me after sitting at work all day, the last thing I can do is make myself sit down and write some more. Needless to say it's been a little depressing.

Okay, enough with the pity party though (health wise I really am so lucky) - basically what I mean to say is that I need to make some adjustments to things. I can't control what happens with the eye issue, but I can (hopefully) make the back issue better. What that will entail is even less time sitting and writing. I'm taking a trip today to reinstate (blow the dust off of) my gym membership. I've determined that I don't have the discipline to make myself walk/run/bike hard enough on my own. I need that instructor in the front of the class telling me to pedal faster and work harder. 

More than anything I need to realize that some things are out of my control.Sometimes you have to trust that there is someone who knows more than you do; someone who may have a different path for us to walk down....one that may not be as straight as we'd like it to be. 

Here's to 2013.....may it be a better year for all.....and may the path take us to where we need to be.

~ Adrienne

Just a little longer.....

There's a certain pattern to this time of year. The festivities have ended along with the Christmas songs on the radio. Before long the lights that decorate my neighborhood will go away as well, The anticipation of the season has disappeared along with some of the joy. It's a time I typically dread, but know will come no matter what. Today would normally be the time for me to take down our tree and decorations; put away the cards, wrappings and stockings for another year. 

For some reason I couldn't bring myself to follow the pattern today. In light of all the national news lately, I wanted to avoid a return to reality as long as possible. I wanted to hang onto the spirit of Christmas a little bit longer. People are typically kinder to one another this time of year. They're quicker to smile, offer a greeting, and generally just be happy. Call me crazy for wanting to wrap that up somehow. 

So today, as the snow continued to fall outside the window..... instead of un - decorating, I put Christmas on Pandora and enjoyed the season a little bit longer...

   I want to laugh over my silly snowmen and have the only light in the house come from Christmas lights.

I want to enjoy my stack of Christmas cards from family and friends, near and far. 

 I want to delight in my Christmas stars for one day more.................

 and stay close to the ones I love. Here's hoping we all have more time.......

 

Christmas Day is in our grasp
So long as we have hands to clasp.
Christmas Day will always be
Just as long as we have we........

"How the Grinch Stole Christmas....."

Emotional Decorating......

I'm an odd person when it comes to emotional things. I don't always get emotional over the things I should and other times the smallest things can set me off. This week it was Christmas ornaments. Am I the only person in the world who tears up over Christmas ornaments?

This is the first ornament that goes on my tree every year. My grandmother passed away from cancer the day before my 2nd birthday. She was so ill that that Christmas that she couldn't do any shopping, but had ornaments purchased for all of her grandchildren. This little reindeer was mine. I have no memories of her, but somehow this makes me feel a little closer to her. And that begins the emotions.

These two belonged to my husband as a child, also a gift from his grandmother. I love how delicate they are and that his initials and the year are engraved on them.

I got this ornament when my nephew (who is now a 7th grader!) was just a baby. Look at those cheeks! I love this picture of my mom holding him.

 This was a wedding gift, engraved with our name and the year. It was one of three that we received. I love the simplicity of it.

 

 

My husband received airplane themed ornaments growing up, and I've carried on the tradition each year. 

I love the details in all of these.......

 

And how adorable is this cat in an airplane??? I crack up every time I see it.

Speaking of cats..........my two little buddies. Don't know what I would do without them.

 

 One of my new favorite ornaments - this was made by a very talented friend. I would never have the patience!

Last, but not least....another one that makes me tear up; mainly because I tear up at this show every year. Come on, tell me you don't? I teared up for another reason this year, as it seems to be broken. It should light up along with playing Linus explaining the real meaning of Christmas. Alas, not this year. But I still love it.... :)

So, are you emotionally attached to any of your ornaments?

~ Adrienne

Am I the only one feeling this way???

I normally try to avoid anything controversial on here, so I'm truly going out on a limb with this one. Hopefully I won't be sorry that I did.....

There's a pervasive ugliness in the world right now, that seems to be getting worse by the day. The examples are numerous and widespread.The man who took it upon himself to advise the news anchor about how offensive her weight was to him and his hollow offer to help her "fix" herself. The kids who thought it would be funny to nominate an outcast girl to homecoming court just so they could make fun of her. The conversation I overheard in my grocery store last week where a teenage boy explained his extreme hate for a well known NFL quarterback. His exact words were "man I wish our team had a bounty system. I'd love to see ______ taken out of the game permanently." I'm not sure what concerned me more; the coldness of the boy's statement or the lack of concern from the person he said it to. 

Our culture seems to be on a downhill slide into a "can you top this?" of negativity. No where does this seem more prevalent than in the current race for president. 

(NOTE - This is not a post regarding the promotion of my beliefs, or my support for any particular candidate - simply my feelings regarding how we are treating one another.)  

The negativity I'm talking about isn't even really coming from the candidates themselves; more from the voters who are supporting them. This negativity was never more clear to me than in hearing that a certain popular political commentator used the word retard not once, but twice in twitter posts criticizing the president. That word makes me cringe. The post may not have been aimed at me, but to someone who has a sibling with Down's Syndrome, it was shockingly offensive. And that more than anything seems to be the goal of political discourse right now; to shock and offend anyone who doesn't agree with you.

The explosion of social media in the last four years has brought a whole new side to this that in a word is ugly. In the past few months the amount of political posts has increased from a slight hum to a deafening roar. Here's what I've noticed - everyone is passionate in their beliefs and EVERYONE is right. There are no shades of gray with anyone. It is all or nothing. You are wrong and I am right. If I yell louder than you, you'll change your way of thinking. Statuses are littered with quotes, captions, pictures, and cartoons, all

aimed at making a political statement. There seems to be a theme with many of them. Instead of say educating or informing someone - they mainly seem to be about offending the "other side." Let me make it clear that I see this coming from both sides. The number of days left until the election seems to be in direct correlation to how nasty the posts are becoming. Especially the ones that attack religious beliefs or that start with "Only an idiot would vote for _____." How in the world do you think you're going to influence another person's way of thinking by insulting their intelligence, gender, religion, mother...etc, etc, etc.....??

The sad thing in all of this is that I consider those I see doing this to be wonderful, amazing people. And some of the people who I see posting comments, (again from both sides), are people that I could see really liking each other if they ever met. But if your only basis for being friends with someone is shared political beliefs, then you're going to miss out on a lot. There are things that I like about both candidates and their platforms, and there are things I don't agree with on both of their platforms. I don't think it makes the candidates evil, stupid, or horrible people. Nor do I think that about anyone who chooses to support either of them. Everything is a matter of opinion and everyone interprets things differently. Freedom of beliefs and freedom of expression - they're part of our constitution, so why do we persecute each other for them when it comes to this? There are so many factors involved with someone becoming the president of the United States that it's unrealistic to think that someone could agree 100% with one candidate's beliefs. Most people will tell you that it's going to be based on what is most important in their life at that time. The person who lost their job and had their home foreclosed on will most likely be more worried about a candidate's economic policy than their environmental policy. Likewise, a person struggling with a serious health issue is probably going to focus more on a candidate's health care proposal than their foreign policy platform. The parent's who have a son serving in Afghanistan will likely be more interested in a candidate's foreign policy platform than in their economic platform....and so on and so on......The parent focusing on that child in the military isn't sexist, or stupid, because they aren't thinking about a woman's right to birth control being threatened. They are just dealing with the fact that their child is in danger and they can't think about anything else. Just like the woman going through a serious medical crisis isn't uncaring, or heartless for trying to figure out how to keep up with medical bills, but not being focused on trying to save rain forests from depletion. She's tired and again, just focused on what is most important to her at the time. There is no one candidate who is going to fit everyone of your beliefs. If you find that person, then I am amazingly impressed.

We pride ourselves on individuality, we tell children to be leaders and not followers. We reward thinking outside the box. So why, when it comes to choosing one person to be the leader of our amazing nation, do we ostracize, criticize and for lack of a better term, crucify anyone who doesn't follow our way of thinking? Why do we refuse to listen to each others concerns? Why are we more interested in snarky, condescending comebacks, than in engaging in a meaningful explanation of what's affecting us most at that time? I know many people who say, "I tried to have a conversation, but when they can't get their point across they revert to name calling." And again IT IS FROM BOTH SIDES. It amazes me the people who cut someone out of their life, or write off even getting to know them, solely based on another person's political beliefs. As I said before, I could almost guarantee that if you got some of these people together (minus all the political rhetoric) they'd find they actually (GASP) like each other and could find some amazing common ground. A perfect example would be the friendship that sprung up between Bill Clinton and George Bush Sr. after they both left the political world. It saddens me to see how politics can turn human beings so against one another. 

I'm sure there will be people who feel my way of thinking is pretty naive. I'm not saying that there will never be disagreements when it comes to politics. What I am saying is can't we find a way to discuss our differences without reverting to 5 year old (or even worse) behavior?

Maybe in the weeks to come take a minute to think about this and try to consider the other side's way of thinking. Before you post/tweet that article, cartoon, slogan, etc., take a moment to think about what your point is. Before you make a snide comment in response to another person's post, take a moment. If your only goal is to (even inadvertently) hurt, offend, or anger someone else - someone who you may in fact care about an awful lot about - ask yourself this question. Is it worth it? Is there a better way to express myself and my opinion; a way that will educate, inform or enlighten? Is there a way to keep the humanity and discard the ugliness? 

That's all I'm saying  -  just take a moment......because when election day is over, no matter who has won, this country will still belong to all of us and we need to stand together as one nation.

~ Adrienne

The Best Laid Plans......

Lately I feel like someone is testing my resolve.....like how many issues (big and small) can we throw in your path to disrupt your ambition? Issues like my ongoing eye trouble.....which really I'm tired of talking about. All I will say is that one should not have their eye surgeon on speed dial and said surgeon should not be responding to my texts at 7am....'Nuff said......

So anyway.....last week was a vacation for hubby and I. 

So after a week filled with things like :

I should have been completely rested and ready to take on the world. In fact my plans this week were to do some of this........

                                            and some of this............

But, thanks to recycled airplane air.......instead my week entailed this:

so now I feel like this........

 But I am determined to do some kind of writing this weekend, even if it doesn't make a whole lot of sense. I just need to get back on track and back into the process......

I have to feel better - next week is our annual fall trek for pumpkins, wine tasting and doughnuts....... :)

 

 

 

See you all again very soon!!

~ Adrienne